Cars for the Dark Lord

I am aware that the following post does not make a great deal of sense. Satan, the devil, Belzeebub or whatever his name is, if he would exist I imagine the question of how to get around collecting souls would not be top priority. I am pretty sure he could just appear, like „pop“, death is here. However, on some occasions it could seem more fit to make an entrance with style. You don’t just appear to, let’s say an award ceremony. Or the apocalypse. You arrive, and you make sure people know that you are up to something very evil indeed. So to cut this short, the devil might at some point need some wheels.

As I said, not an awful lot of sense. But making lists just is a lot of fun. So I created this list to offer Belzeebub a choice of models which I think would suit him and his evil doings. So, without further introduction, here we go.

Phantom Corsair

1938_Phantom_Corsair_(9402801968)Why not start with the past. At some point the evil Lord must have made the transition from a black horse carrier to a more modern form of transport, and this 1938 concept car could have tempted him. It was the brainchild of Rust Heinz, part the ketchup dynasty, and its immense width meant it could hold up to four persons in the front row. Which was handy because there were no back seats – the space was taken up by a beverage cabinet. So the devil could stretch his legs and have a strong drink while bringing darkness to the world in style.

Maybach Excelero

Maybach_Exelero_1Surely the top runner here. It has it all: black paint, sufficient enormousness, small windows, ridiculously huge engine, only two doors and a face that looks like it would eat your soul for breakfast. Sadly, only a single car was ever produced, but that would not stop the dark lord if he really wanted these wheels. And why would he not. Six meters of very black sleekness, a 700bhp biturbo V12, phenomenal performance and the assurance that it is quite unlikely that some day Toni from Accounting will turn up in the same car.

TVR Sagaris

TVR_Sagaris_7This one is a bit less obviously sinister than the others here. The TVR Sagaris takes its name from the ancient Greek term for a lightweight battle axe used by the Scythians. Which is handy, because the Sagaris is also very likely to kill somebody at some point. The manufacturer has a very back-to-the-roots-approach designing its cars – there is no assisted steering, no stability control, not even anti-lock breaks. Combine this with a very light weight, a grunty 400bhp and a tendency to fall apart at high speeds, and you have a car that should not be driven by some one who is awfully afraid of dying. Luckily, if you are Death himself, I think this is not too much of an issue.

Oldsmobile Toronado

640px-OldsmobileToronadoA lot of American cars from the late 60s look a bit scary. Just think of the ’69 Charger, driven by the bad guys in McQueen’s Bullit. But that would be the obvious choice here – so I rather go for a less popular model, the Oldsmobile Toronado. The first generation had loads of presence mostly because it used a lot of the presently available space – two tonnes of steel stretching out over two meters width and five and a half meters length. So it would be appropriately enormous for the job of transporting the Lord of Darkness. And: The Toronado was only available with a 7.0 litre-V8. S-e-v-e-n litres of displacement that made it possible to bring this tank well above 200 km/h, which is impressive for 1965. Fuel consumption must have been biblical. Another plus point on our scale of evilness.

Chrysler 300C

Chrysler_wallpapers_3If the devil would be on a budget, this might still work for him. The tiny windows make sure that most of the daylight stays outside the cabin and the huge grille leaves no doubts the driver is up to something. Particularly interesting in the Hemi-V8 variant – which could be picked up for the price of an E-Class back in 2004.

Bentley Arnage

2009-bentley-arnage-final-seriesThe Arnage certainly has presence, but it is here mainly for some other reason: It blows more CO2 into the atmosphere than any car this side of a Veyron, a whopping 495g/km. To achieve this equivalent of four VW Golfs, it uses 21 liters of fuel every 100km. And I suspect the devil would not mind to damage our atmosphere a bit on his way to collect some lost souls. Besides, Bentley shows a certain stubbornness, clinging to the concept of a 6.75-litre V12 for more than 50 years. A stubbornness suitable for a creature working towards the doom of us all for quite some time now.

Mercedes W100 Pullmann

640px-Autosammlung_Steim_-_Schramberg_003_Mercedes-Benz_600_Pullmann_(7670947288)Another way to look at the subject would be to ask who else has owned the model of the devil’s choice. This disqualifies all the one-of concepts – the vehicle of choice must be a proven everyday car for the evil-doer. And there probably has never been a car that transported as many villains, both real and fictional, as the Mercedes-Benz W100 Pullmann. Its illustrious list of owners includes the dictators Tito (of Yugoslavia), Ceauşescu (of Romania), Pol Pot (of Cambodia) as well as North Korean leaders Kim Il-sung and Kim Jong-Il. The list goes on: Brezhnev and Sadaam Hussein both had one, druglord Pablo Escobar as well. It seemed like throughout its 17-year production time, the Pullmann was the only choice for the style-conscious evil-doer. Even today, the remaining models are mostly owned by slightly irritating people like Jeremy Clarkson or Jack Nicholson. It is so obviously sinister that it does not even have to be black – so the One Who Shall Not Be Named could match it with the colour of a classy suit.

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